Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Four Years Two Months Sixteen Days

Four years two months and sixteen days ago I gave birth to my son. He was stillborn. This was quite possibly the hardest thing that I've ever gone through. Over the years I've come across sites that would have helped me tremendously had I known that I was facing that. I went in for my 32 week visit and there was no heartbeat, ultrasound confirmed death and I was induced that evening and had him that night. We were so unprepared and had no idea what to expect. We didn't even have a camera with us. I do have hospital pictures that I treasure but I often wish that I had more personalized pictures with my husband and I holding our son. I do have very vivid memories of him. I have a little blanket that he was wrapped in and a teddy bear that was in his pictures with him. I also have many copies of his foot prints and hand prints. That is all that I have.
There have been so many firsts that we've missed with him. There will be a lifetime of firsts without him. We've celebrated each birthday with cupcakes. Our girls know who he is and we talk of him often with them. They know he is in heaven and that we will see him again one day.
Now there is a huge possibility that we will go through this again very soon with a little girl. This time we know in advance and we can plan, if you can really plan for something like this. I know how I want this to play out, of course ideally that would be that they were all wrong and she will be full term and perfectly healthy, but that may not be the case. We've been told that she has Trisomy 13. We still aren't certain but are preparing for that just in case. My son was completely perfect and normal. His autopsy and blood work showed absolutely no reason for his death at all.
I know that we want to include her in our life as much as possible right now. I want pictures of my growing belly with my girls around us. I want lots of labor and delivery pictures. I want lots of newborn pictures with all of us holding her and loving her. Because I know that once I hand her over and she is taken out the door of my hospital room that I will not see her or hold her again here on earth and these pictures and little things will be all that I have of her.
I know that I will have a huge family to spend eternity with in heaven. We will all be perfectly healthy and pain free and happy forever. I know that God has been with me through all of this. He will continue to be with us always. He is the only reason that we are able to face this and to cope with going through this yet again. I don't question why this is happening although that would be easy to do. I accept it although its not always easy to accept it. I've been abundantly blessed. There is something great that will come from all of this. I don't know what and may never know but He knows and that's all that matters. My son served a great purpose. He was the answer to many prayers that I had. He brought my husband and I closer together and brought my husband back to church and to God. He had stopped going to church and was angry at God for some reason that he's never shared and that's ok because I don't need to know. When we had our son I asked him to go to church with me the next week and he did and he has every Sunday since.
I know that we will all be ok no matter what happens. She is loved and will always be loved.